I Love Lucy The Bewitched Stepford Wife

Saturday is generally not a busy day for Scarlett Fontane. It's a lazy day. Open the shop in the morning, close by noon, and spend the day doing whatever she wants. Today, she's not doing something that she actually generally wants to do. She's gone to the pharmacy twice. Not an extraordinary event, by any means. Not even going twice. People sometimes forget items and have to return to the store.

Her reason for going is what has her upstairs in the bathroom, neurotically staring at a little white stick with two pink lines.

"Great," she mutters to herself.

Hyde certainly doesn't suspect anything unusual from the two trips she has taken. Propped on the couch in the living room, the man is sullenly surfing through the cable channels, showing the restlessness and unease generally characteristic of teenagers who suffer from ADHD. It's the full moon. It's coming, he can feel it. He can just feel that isolated part of his brain, growing restless and unruly and near uncontrollable, pushing against the walls of his consciousness. This? Makes Hyde considerably more moody and short-fused than normal.

Poor, poor Scarlett. "Nearly one thousand channels and nothing to fucking watch! Jesus Christ!"

Looking at the original test, then back to the new one, Scarlett frowns. It's Saturday. It's not like she can call up her doctor and set up an appointment for a test either. With a frustrated sigh, she pushes both into the trash and then tidies up the bathroom.

When she comes downstairs a few minutes later, her smile is tight. "It's summer, Surly. Reruns galore." She watches him and sighs again. "Throw it on HBO or TVLand or something. There'll be some sort of movie on."

Hyde quickly turns to peer at Scarlett as she emerges, his brows furrowed into his customary scowl. Not because of her, or anything she said. Just…because. "Yeah," he grunts in a noncommittal fashion. Either he doesn't notice or doesn't care about the tightness in her smile. Instead, he pushes himself off the couch, and towards the kitchen. It is from there that he, as an afterthought, throws out something he never thought he would: "Want something?" Imagine that. Hyde thinking about someone other than himself.

The offer, coupled with her concern, makes her stop for a second. Frozen on the spot. "Bottle of water," she says, before moving to the couch to sit down. This really isn't going to go over well, especially with Trey back. It sort of makes the joke on Ivan seem sort of crass. So she picks up his position, flipping through the channels until she comes to a Bewitched rerun on TVLand, and leaves the channel there. It may not be the best thing on television, but it beats flipping station to station all night.

Don't worry - Hyde isn't a changed man. Not really. As evidenced by the fact that to give her her requested bottle of water? He literally throws it at her. Afterwards, he has plenty of time to sulk and make himself a ham sandwich, assembling all the ingredients sloppily and without care. The sounds of Bewitched call to him, and he glances upwards then, eyes narrowing. "Why aren't you like her? Sam."

With her mind entirely on her thoughts, and not watching the kitchen, Scarlett gets beaned on the head with the bottle of water. This gets a yelp from her, and a small curse. Rubbing her temple, she shoots a glare at him. "What? Why can't I twitch my nose and prepare dinner? Or why don't I have a snotty mother who calls you Derwood?"

Hyde would snicker, but that's just not Hyde-like. The beaning does amuse him, though. "Well, more like how come you don't use magic for everything, like she does. And why can't you do everything with magic." Beat. "But, no, you're right. The more pressing question is why don't you prepare dinner with twitches of your nose? Frankly, I'm fine with not knowing jack shit about your mom."

"Because that would be suicide? I mean, I'm good with the magic stuff, but I don't know everything. Besides, Bewitched is total bunk. No one wants to be a magical Stepford Wife." Scarlett sets the bottle of water down on the table and stares at it for a long moment. "I don't have dinner preparing magic. I have elemental magic, and protection magic. I'm sure I could learn other types, but I don't know anyone that knows everything else anyhow."

"Heh. Why wouldn't you want to be a magical Stepford Wife? You handling the home, getting into all sorts of 'I Love Lucy'-esq debacles, the party planning, the children…me bringing home the bacon, drinking beer, and watching television. Isn't that the American dream?" Hyde is very obviously teasing Scarlett, trying to irritate or produce some sort of reaction from her.

"The children?" Scarlett chokes on nothing but the air, as she's not even opened the bottle of water yet. "I think we should watch something other than TVLand…" Their conversation has devolved into an 'I Love Lucy the Stepford Wife with the magic of Bewitched' discussion, and while that would seem normal to most, it's not helping her thought processes right now.

"Yeah. All two-point-five of them." You can hear his bemusement, as Hyde strides out of the kitchen with his sandwich in hand, taking a big, hearty bite out of it. "With a golden retriever, and a white picket fence. Heh. What's wrong, wife," A play on the joke they played on her brother. "TVland too eerily indicative of our future for you?" If only he knew what was going on. He wouldn't be drawling so easily then.

"Oh god." Scarlett grabs the bottle of water, just to have something to squish. Thankfully the cap is on tight, or there would be water all over the place. She takes a deep breath, and looks away from him. "Something like that, yeah. I don't really think I'd be great with kids," she says with a grim look. "'least of all 2.5 of them."

Hyde can't help but chuckle at this moment, feeling the warm glow of victory cloud his judgment. Casually, he plops himself back onto the couch, shoveling the foodstuff into his mouth in a rather casual fashion. Soon enough, he's made nothing out of the lunchmeat. Such is his appetite around the full moon. One burp later, he props his leg up on the table and then reaches for the remote to continue flicking through the channels with boredom.

His chuckling, his nonchalant behavior is enough to make the female Fontane get up to her feet. Still clutching the bottle, Scarlett blurts, "Well good. You can take care of this one then." Throwing the still unopened bottle at his head, she stalks angrily toward the stairs.

What…just happened? "Ow!" Hyde protests, turning to glare at Scarlett as she stalks off. It takes him a few moments, as he's utterly bewildered by her behavior, but eventually he bounds up and moves forward quickly in order to follow the woman up the stairs. With the water bottle in hand, of course. "Take care of what? Are you on your period or something, the hell's gotten into you?"

At his question, Scarlett turns to face him. "If I was on my god damned period do you think I'd be telling you that you have a kid you need to take care of, you ass!" As revelations go, this is not how she ever pictured telling someone she thinks she's pregnant. "Forget it, Hyde. Go back downstairs and watch television. Go home for all I care." She's not slapped him, and she's not completely angry. Just really frustrated by the whole situation.

Hyde makes a face. In fact, he makes three faces, in consecutive sequencing: a confused face, a concerned face, and then a stubborn face. "Who's kid? You mean the hamsters? I thought they were gone. Or your kid brother?" For an intelligent guy…Hyde isn't all that bright right now. "Jesus. You know what? I just might. Call me when you've stopped being such a bitch." Beat. "Oh, and you dropped this. On my face." And with that, the water bottle is thrust at her, before he turns to head down the stairs.

There is a heartbeat, just a small heartbeat where she considers pushing him down the damned stairs. "Your kid, you idiot." Scarlett tosses the bottle back at his head then starts for the stairs. "I'm not a whore! I've only been with you since the first time we slept together." She takes a deep breath, and gives him a gentle shove. Not enough to send him down the stairs, but to give him a nudge down at least one step lower.

She should have pushed him down the stairs. It'd be less surprising, shocking, and…all around unpleasant than what she actually does - tell him the truth. "W-…what…" Awed, and in that horrible terrified sort of way, Hyde is speechless. He is duly pushed down the next step…and then stumbles over his own feet down the remainder of the staircase, but in such a mild manner that he can't possibly be legitimately hurt. Only he doesn't say anything even after the final thud.

Stressed out and emotional as she is (angry at herself), she doesn't even bother to see if he's alright. "You heard my, you stupid ass. You went and got me pregnant!" Then she stands on the stairs, arms crossed over her chest. Stuck between wanting to run up to her room, or to step on him as she runs out the door.

"H-how? We use…" Condoms. Every single time. Something Hyde has complained about muchly in the past, but something she never budges on, because Scarlett is/was an intelligent, confident young woman. Every single time except one… You can literally see when he recalls the Mile High club, as his eyebrows become lost in his tuft of hair. And then he pails. And then…and then…

His eyes roll back, and his head thuds against the floor. Yes. Hyde has just passed out.

Did he just pass out on her? Scarlett glares down at him. The bottle of water remains where it fell on the stairs, but suddenly she's got it levitating. Then she's got it opening. Then she's bursting the water from it with her magic and having it all fall on his face at once. "Don't you dare. You don't get to be blissfully unaware. Wake. The. Fuck. Up."

God, but she's a spiteful bitch, isn't she? "AUGH- WHAT!?" Hyde dramatically shoots up as the water splashes on his face, coughing up a storm as some happen to trickle down his nostrils. Wet, sopping, he glowers at the woman standing to intimidatingly up the staircase. "What the fuck was that for, you bitch!" So much love.

"You got me pregnant," Scarlett says, letting the plastic bottle drop onto his head as she turns to head up the stairs. "I'm such an idiot." She doesn't offer any other sort of response. She just runs up the stairs, then down the hallway to her room where she slams the door. Just like a child. He was blocking her exit.

Suddenly? Hyde is wishing he was back unconscious. His stomach falls as she unkindly reminds him of the truth. "…Oh." And then she disappears. And Hyde? Poor, overwhelmed Hyde? He just carefully gets to his feet, off of the floor. And then heads out.

Not the best reaction, certainly. But Hyde can't function any way else. Scarlett will not be comforted by this man who doesn't know how to comfort, this thug that has been forced into normalcy by this relationship. He's just not the sort, completely unfit…

Jesus. A dad?

Unless otherwise stated, the content of this page is licensed under Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 License