Born in Anguilla in 1672 to Dutch/English parents.
"My Dad Gerard was a fisherman. My mom, Sarah,was a whore. Like, I'm not insultin her here, I mean that literally. Didn't know about mom's job till I was about 14 though. I dunno what the big deal was really. So she used to suck dicks for a livin, big deal, it beats telemarketing. Dad was kind of a strong silent tough guy type, mom was one of those insanely nice women that creep you out. Weird couple, but they seemed to dig each other."
Older sister, Clara, died at birth in 1670.
Younger brother, Vincent, died at birth in 1680.
"I Was uhh, I think 8 or 9 when mom died with my baby brother still stickin half way outta her. What a shitty way to go right? For both of em, I mean. I kept cryin and cryin and cryin, but dad just smacked me upside the back of the head and told me to be a man about it. Hehe, s'kinda funny now when I think about it. Fucked up, but funny.
Ran from home after his Fathers domestic abuse at 16.
Unwittingly became Cabin Boy on pirate Vessel.
"Dad was real messed up after mom died. I mean he always liked his rum, but he liked it a little too much after that. I'm no psychologist or nothing, but I think he sorta blamed me for mom dying. Started just hittin me at first, but then when I got bigger he graduated to his belt. When he started movin on to chains, I decided it was maybe time to get the fuck outta there. Stole some of my dad's money, snuck out one night, and went to the only place open that late, a tavern. Memory's kinda fuzzy about what happened that night on account of the drinkin, but I woke up the next mornin on the deck of ship out in the middle of the damn ocean. Dunno if I ever agreed to it, but I was on a pirate ship and they needed a Cabin boy, so.. it was either be a Cabin boy or be shark food. Tough call, that one."
Made port in Nassau. Raided around Port Royal and Tortuga.
Sold his goods on Sint Eustatius.
"Bein a Cabin Boy was about as bad as bein beaten on by my dad. Still, least the pirates would usually only hit me when it'd be funny, so I guess that's somethin. Was only a few years before they let me start stabbin and shootin, and when we got a new cabin boy, that's when I knew I was officially in. Not that bein in was all that awesome. Fuck the movies kid, almost no part of being a pirate is fun. Most of it is just suckin on boot leather and hopin the salt in it holds your starvin belly for one more night before you get to port and can just maybe afford one piece of barely cooked rat meat. Then again… there was the stabbin and shootin, so it wasn't all bad."
Retired from a life or piracy in 1704 to St. Eustatius island AKA Golden Rock
"Think I was a little bit past 30 when I decided to give up the pirate thing and make my home on dry land. 30 don't seem like much, but back in those days, you start to lose your fire real quick. Didn't exactly make it off the boat a rich man, but I knew a guy who sold guns and rum that could get me a job with him. Englishman by the name of John Brown. Pasty little fucker, but a good buddy and a great man. Course, didn't know at the time he weren't no man."
Turned later that same year by English arms merchant, John Brown
"So one night after a long day of hauling crates around, I'm drunk. And I'm half storytelling and half whining to John Brown about how I already kinda miss the pirate days. He asks why I don't keep it up. I said that while I missed the fightin and plunderin, I was losin my killer instinct, and if only I didn't hafta worry about gettin old, never losing my strength or my speed, and never losin the guts to kill? I coulda made me and him rich real fast. Guess I said the magic words. Long story short, a week later I'm crawlin outta the goddamn ground, cravin a fresh bite outta somebody's neck. Thanks a lot Johnny boy, you kinda left out how shitty that part would be. So yeah. John taught me the basics about being a vampire. The rules and weaknesses and stuff. Seemed really cool, but it was tricky to learn. I remember the first time I tried to glamour this pretty little lady at a brothel, and somethin musta got all mixed up, because she ended up smashing her hand mirror across my face and kicking me in the balls. We worked on it a bit more, but I never figured it out. To this day whenever I try to influence a human, they just get angry at me. Had to learn to earn all my meals the hard way till they came out with True Blood."
Returned to piracy in 1706, until 1718 when the English took over Nassau.
"So I eventually started makin good on my drunken promises to Johnny boy, and set out to make us rich. Wasn't as easy as I thought it'd be, but I managed to make my way onto a particularly famous little boat. I ain't gonna brag and tell you which one, suffice it to say that it was on the history channel a couple a times. It was hard to come up with a reason for em that I couldn't do nothin durin daylight hours, but once they saw what I managed to pull off at night, suddenly they all were convinced attackin in the dark was the way to go. Course I had to tone it down a lil so I could stay lookin mostly human, but with me on our side there was no way we could ever lose. Thats when I got my nickname that Ive been goin by since. Bones. Not really sure why though, probably because it kinda sounds scary. Eventually though, the damn English started crackin down at Nassau, and I knew piracy was just gettin too risky. I tried convincin the captain to give it up but he wouldn't listen, so I stole a bunch of cargo and got the hell outta there. He was hanged two years later, bastard not even given me a chance to tell him I told him so. Anyway, I was set up for the rest of how long I wouldve lived had I not already been dead and John was cool about me retirin. He said he was more concerned about how I was gonna feed when I wasn't in a career where killin happened all the time. I told em I'd figure somethin out.
Bounced around most of the Caribbean islands for near 60 years.
Headed to America in 1777.
"My pirate money started runnin out after about thirty years or so, and John said he had a new job for us back in jolly old England, but I had to pass on that. I mean, John could pull off city life, but I just wasn't interested. So instead, I bounced around the Caribbean quite a bit, mostly sleepin in dirt but occasionally scrounging up enough money to get a night in a bed. But It was slowly gettin harder and harder to lie about who I was. Happened a few times that somebody swore that they recognized me in some tavern or whatever. Tough remembering what Island I'd been on and for how long. Eventually I just had to get outta that area, and I made one last stop on Golden Rock to figure out where I was gonna go next. Thought about goin to Europe or South America, but then I hear about these Brit colonies up north, and I thought I'd give them a shot, thinkin maybe theyd be like the ones down where I was. Yknow, lawless and dangerous and fun! Took me forever to get a ride up there, but turns out Golden Rock was sellin guns to the colonies for some kinda revolution they got goin on against the Brits. So I hop a ride with some rifles headed for the crazy ass colonists, not thinkin they had a chance in hell really, but I figured win or lose it wouldnt matter much to me. Turns out the French got involved and the colonies won. Whatever. Yay America."
Lived Nomadically in America for another 50 years
"New continent, same routine. Despite what John said about vamps gettin older and gettin more powerful, I never learned to use the damn… uhh, mind wiping thing. Oh I learned all that other cool stuff like runnin fast and hittin hard, but without the memory clearing stuff it meant the only way to feed was to drain somebody completely or else I'd leave a witness. So just like back on the islands, I had to bounce around a lot. Great thing about America was that there was always some nasty fightin goin on somewhere. Between the Spanish, the French, the Americans, the Mexcans, and the Natives? There was always a battle that I could scavenge some fresh blood from, then pin the kill on the opposite side. Got real good at coverin my kills up."
Moved into Texas territory in 1827
"I ended up followin this group of settlers headin to Texas in like.. 1825 I think? Was a pretty rough journey, especially findin places to sleep during the day and then followin the trail in the night while they slept. Snag a juicy one out of his tent, drag him off in the night, then make it look like mountain lions got em. Nasty work, but hey it got me to Austin."
1835-1850 The Mexico Wars
"So I guess the Mexicans saw what the Americans did to the Native folk and decided that maybe lettin in some without a fight would be a better choice eh? Hehe, dumb motherfuckers. Anyway, like pretty much every war, it presented alot of chances to feed real easy. Any Mexican death was blamed on the Americans and vice versa. Only hard part is finding a place to sleep in the flat empty dessert, so I ended up getting myself a shovel and just digging my own place to sleep every night. Tough way to go through unlife. Every night I'd worry that a rainstorm would wash away my fresh grave and leave me out to bake in the morning, but I guess I got lucky.
1860-1865 The American Civil War
"Just when I was startin to miss the war with Mexico, a new war suddenly broke out. I never really keep close track of why these things start up or why they end. You can see a guy pull out a gun or unsheathe a knife, but politics man. Politics are the shit that'll really get you killed when you aint lookin. So anyway, was keepin track of where soldiers and supplies were headed, hopin that there'd be battles nearby for some easy feedin. There was really only one really, on the Sabine river kinda near Albany? I kinda helped the underdogs win it. Not because I was feeling charitable or anythin, but because there was more food on the other side. Civil war kinda came and went without hittin texas all that hard. Suppose I shoulda gotten used to the disappointment though, since there's been like fifty god damn wars since that one and not a one fought on Texas Soil."
1865-1900 Integrating into society
"So with railroads poppin up everywhere, and more and more people floodin into Texas, it was becomin real clear that the best way to eat wasn't to snatch people from small groups out in the wilderness, but to finally try my hand at movin into the cities. Never missed havin John so much in my life. Woulda been helpful to have somebody around to teach me all this shit. I had to learn to drop my accent, had to learn what all this newfangled technology was called, and had to learn to be around breathers without constantly wantin to bite in y'know? Guess it'd be hard to explain to a human what that's like. I guess you'd hafta imagine bein hungry and then bein shoved into a room full of delicious cheeseburgers you can't eat. Step one was learning to control the hunger, step two was learnin how to talk like an American, and step three was learnin to identify the situations where a meal was about to present itself and where it wasn't. Did almost get caught one night. Saloon brawl busted out and some cowboy started bleedin, and the smell was a bit too much. I ended up killin three of em before I calmed myself down, but by then it was too late. Had to clear out the whole damn saloon of witnesses, then make it look like it caught fire. Good thing I learned my lesson before the art of autopsies eh?"
"So yeah, once I learned to clean up just enough to not turn too many heads, I learned about my new favorite hobby. Eavesdropping. Weren't alot of places that would let scumbags like me in, but from dusk till dawn I'd basically hafta hunt like a Venus Fly Trap, just sit around and wait for a meal to walk into my mouth. So, given that my huntin was pretty borin most of the time, the best way to pass the time was just sit in a bar and listen to the humans talk. S'kinda fun actually, reminded me of what livin was like and how every little thing seems so god damn important. On rare occasion, when it looked like there wasn't gonna be a meal to be had that night, I'd join into a conversation. Kinda tough to talk to your food for long though, because eventually it clicks in your head how delicious they look, and you can't hear a damn word they say when you're starvin for em. Food was scarce, and I didn't have much time to talk. As cities got bigger and started expandin faster and faster, it was clear that digging myself a place to sleep at night in the dessert wasn't gonna cut it anymore. I ended up gettin myself a stagecoach which I dragged a few miles into the dessert. Made sure it was nice and covered up so no light could get through, and I had myself my first real home to speak of in a few hundred years. When the combustion engine started gettin real popular of course I upgraded. To this day you'll never find me too far from my van. No, you can't come see it."
"Y'know I only met another vampire in 1952? I mean I mighta seen one before that and just not known, since John never really taught me how I was supposed to tell. Still, this one was right next to me at the bar, and I guess since he was that close to me, I couldn't help but notice. Never really had experience with that kinda thing before, so at some point I just turned and flat out asked him hey, are you a vampire? He looked at me like I was out of my god damned mind at first, but then he just gave me like… this look. It was kind of a smile but kinda not y'know? Like a smirk? Anyway, the guy didn't say much to me, on account of the fact that we were in public I guess. He wouldn't tell me his name, or how old he was, but he did end up telling me that he was just passing through town. Kinda bugged me a little that he was so damn cold and quiet, and he didn't stick around long. He did let me in on a little secret though, that vamps wern't the only creepy crawlies in the night. He told me that shifters existed, and witches, and he said he was convinced psychics were real but that he never met one. I asked em what else man, zombies and mummies and fairy princesses? He didn't seem to appreciate my sense of humor.
"Anyway, now that True Blood is around and we vamps are out in the open, things are lookin pretty sweet y'know? I actually only got my first real job a few months ago, this sweet little gig at a junkyard. Guy even lets me keep my van there because he says it blends right in. I'm kinda lookin forward to actually talkin to a vampire without a stick up his ass, and maybe even a human or two. Was way harder to talk to the breathers when they were your only source of chow. Now with blood banks sellin to us, and true blood, I don't ever have to hunt again if I don't wanna, and I gotta tell you I don't think I'll miss it much. I know I kinda glossed over a few details, but man it's hard to catch up 300 years in one night y'know? Details can wait for some other time. Hit me up later, I'll buy you a beer or a blood. Just remember to ask for Bones."
